Opened can of worms
Due to the nature of blogging and opening up my life via cyberspace, there have been repercussions. Not to me personally, everyone is great to me but not to the hubby. It’s sad really. I know that he is such a great person yet some will never know it due to their own judgements, fears and disconnection. I’m apart of a few online groups that meet up, the kids play and moms hang out. Both of which know of my man’s past indiscretions and have requested he not attend or be apart of the group get togethers. What makes this worse is that one group decided to go through my brother and not talk to me personally. This really doesn’t sit well with me. I am one to have face time with. I don’t mind conflict and would appreciate one on one conversations with someone who feels an issue with me or any one of my family members. In an effort to be discreet this person or people have only made me feel more suspicious and walls creep up as we speak. How can I trust anyone in the group if they don’t talk openly and honestly to my face. I’m tired of everyone dancing around me like I’m going to break. It hurts and this is what I have to deal with on a daily basis. In all this I hope that others will get passed their fears. Life is about risk and none of knows completely what those closest to us are capable of. We all have this false sense of security that we cling so desparately to. Bleh…Dude, the hubby has no desire to be apart of these groups anyway but it totally took the wind out of my sails. Not to sure what to do about it though. Just fighting being dragged down by it I guess. People are human, filled with faults and my human hubby has his dirty laundry hanging out for all to see. This is the type of intro I’d like whenever I meet someone new. “Hi I’m a liar, thief and murderer.” Oh good, I’m glad we got that out of the way. Or “I’m a glutton”. I’m just ranting now. I hate it that his junk is out there for all the world to see, yet no one else’s life is as transparent. I want to know everyone’s junk, man and then I want to look them in the eyes, show God’s mercy and say, “It’s ok, I still love you and want to be apart of your life”.
I would be happy to discuss that group’s decision with you, as well as why I would have made the same one, if you were part of the one I run.
Please understand that this entry of my blog was almost a year ago. Also, I understand the decision but not the discussions behind my back. This has been a very difficult journey for our family and the consequences far reaching. I,too, want to protect my own children and should have thought that through when considering any group. It was slightly selfish of me to think we could be normal or to try and provide opportunity for our children for some kind of normalcy. My thought though is this. If there is this “expectation” it should have been clearly outlined when one applies for membership which I see it is now.
It was probably naive on the part of the groups’ owners to assume that a registered sex offender, especially one whose victim was a child, would not attend group outings with children. That really shouldn’t be something that they need to spell out.
The letter of the law protects school children, daycare children, and other vulnerable groups in institutional settings, but not homeschoolers.
If you had joined and participated, and he had not, when this came up, I suspect the group would have been very happy to keep you and the children part of the group. But you regularly brought a registered sex offender to outings with children; that’s hard to make amends for, and it’s hard to excuse.
Even assuming the very best case scenario (even though he was a married man, even though he was a Christian, even though this was a child entrusted into his care, as a youth pastor, and even though he had sex with someone else’s CHILD–assuming the best– that the girl in question was not only willing, but threw herself at him) it strikes me that the repentant sex offender would be careful to avoid even the APPEARANCE of impropriety (1 Thessalonians 5:22), and would excuse himself from all group activities that involve other people’s children.
I do not envy you the hard place you find yourself. I suspect this is something that will hang over you for a long time to come. I do suggest that you quietly approach the leaders of the next group you join, and say something to the effect of, “I’d rather you hear this from me than elsewhere [explain situation]; as you might imagine, we don’t attend events as a family, and we don’t invite families over to spend the night, as we want to avoid even the appearance of evil. My husband hopes that you will not penalize me or our children for his crime.” I suspect that being upfront with the leadership would be much more positive.
Please understand that his infidelity to you, while horrible and painful, did not factor into the decision at all. His having had sex with someone else’s child is what is at issue for the homeschooling groups.
FWIW, it’s not your blog that lead to your dismissal from the homeschooling lists. Many homeschool moms regularly check the sex offender registry and keep tabs on their neighborhoods. It was one such mom who saw your address, and thought, “I’d better let M—- know; this is really close to her house” and was quite taken aback to see
http://www.isp.state.id.us/sor_id/SOR?id=20431&sz=400
http://bishop-accountability.org/abuse2005archives/009291.html
I think you have the opportunity for your children to have a sense of normality, but I do not think that extends to your husband accompanying the family on group outings with other children. (Which is pretty normal in homeschooling circles, as many of us have husbands who work to support the family, and/or, like mine, travel extensively, and therefore never attend group events). Your providing opportunities for your children should never include providing opportunities for your husband to re-offend.
You have no idea how much I appreciate your input. My husband and I meant no harm in our approach to this and it has been quite the learning curve. We never thought we would ever have to deal with this type of circumstance and how to manuvere in society after making such a horrible choice. It may seem like a no brainer to those who are outside looking in but when your in it, coming to a logical discourse that you have put out for me can be hard to sum up. I really wanted to share this with the group and I found myself searching for the time, place, and mostly courage. I am not proud that we didn’t talk to the leadership sooner and there is no excuse.
I would like to encourage you and anyone else to read this report from ACLU and Human Rights Watch
http://blog.aclu.org/2009/03/16/sex-offender-law-violates-rights-puts-kids-at-risk/
http://www.hrw.org/en/reports/2007/09/11/no-easy-answers